Hunting Season Hacks

How to make the most of this killing season.

Lachlan Johnson, staff writer

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As the start of hunting season nears, many students’ minds (and also the teachers) start to turn to the idea of going out hunting. Many a time I have found vacant expressions during a chemistry lesson due to the day dreams of many of these young hunters. Since it is drawing near, I have decided to make it my responsibility to help all of these hunters prepare.

Physical

The Toe-Grab: Many a time, while stalking about in the woods, a hunter can startle a deer. This is when the Toe-Grab comes in handy. Since you’ll be in full stride at the moment, and any movement will startle the deer, the toes of the foot currently touching the ground are employed to gripping it, keeping the hunter frozen in mid-stride. If the grunt from the hunter doesn’t scare the deer away (it has been known to strip saplings of their bark), it works. The school halls are a great place to practice this technique. While walking down the halls, freeze and employ this tactic. Pay no attention to the crowds of people; they’ll just assist in the practice of balance. Instead, keep this position until a teacher stares awkwardly at you. When asked about what you’re doing, tell them “decepticons.” They’ll avoid you for the rest of your high school career.

The Pack/Hindquarter Hustle: Getting in shape is one of the best things to do to prepare for hunting season. You don’t want to find yourself on the side of a snowy mountain, pounding your chest with a rock to revive some relatively important vital functions. Instead, follow this exercise to at least make sure you can make it off of your front porch (hopefully). First, select a practice partner. You want them about the same weight as a pack and a hindquarter of an elk. Because of this weight requirement, your practice partner will most like be a young lady. Please do not tell her she is chosen for this exercise because she vaguely resembles a hindquarter of an elk; it will not go over well. Use your imagination and make up a lie. Anyway, you will then have the young lady ride piggy back and flop around, imitating a hindquarter trying to knock you off balance. As she is doing this, run and  jump up onto desks, trying not to fall. (A great classroom to try this in is Mr. Pebbles’ classroom). Then after about twenty minutes, drop and do 100 pushups. Repeat.

Mental

The Right Friend: Choosing who you hunt with is a major step. It takes a lot of mental energy to weigh the pros and cons, but to help with these decisions, remember: Fun first, safety second. Sometimes the person you take seems normal at school, but once they get into the mountains, they reveal their true selves. One person who took me seemed pretty good with his sense of direction. He proceeded to getting us so lost that I had to resort to firing three shots in rapid succession, but it was bad light, and I missed him. So be prepared for anything.

Lying Correctly: The best outdoorsmen are great liars. Sadly, lying is a dying art. If it weren’t for us outdoorsman (and politicians), the sport would disappear completely. The purpose of this paragraph is to help you polish up on your lying. Remember, if you need to stretch the truth, make it a half truth or even a quarter truth. Do not attempt a full lie! Only professionals should attempt this, not people inexperienced to the finer arts. To illustrate: A friend asks you, “How did you do?” You reply, “Terrible, I never got a shot at a 300+ bull.” Technically, you just told the truth. In fact, you never even saw an elk, let alone animal life. But the listener assumes that not only did a 300+ bull escape from your clutches, but that you saw multiple other elk that you deemed to small to shoot. For a more refined technique . . . practice.

Now that you have the basics. Get out there and go hunting. Good luck!

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